Living is dreadful,

I don’t have the mental capacity to play little games with the people in my life, I constantly seek to be alone for the whole day with a good tv series to escape this torturous routine we all call life. I hate how I want to ramble about my incessant emotions to the remaining people in my life but I just no longer have the energy.

I feel like I’m depleting into the Earth’s marrow and no amount of affection or attention would rescue me from this pit of emptiness.

I feel like I’m wasting time on a person who has a very subjective mind set on physical looks and emotionally dead. I feel like i’m finding flaws of people who are almost important to me to wring them out of my life.

Yesterday I was at home,

A stranger was in the house, he was doing some cleaning to the air conditioners, I was so focused onto my game that I neglected reality, that I have forgotten that I wasn’t living in the virtual home. The growing urge to inflict physical pain onto myself was growing but I was suppressing it.

I knew I was succeeding.

Then, I saw on the ground, placed with that weapon where I could bring so much joy. I saw that blade that could carve out every inch of pain. I wanted to steal it, I wanted to hide it deep in my pockets and then hurt myself over and over and over.

I don’t even know why I’m living anymore.
Why?

An old post,

            I feel lonely, again.

I want to run away to a place where I could harness pain onto my delicate flesh, to be so far away from humanity that I could forget that I am still human. I want to be able to run with the winds as they contour me to become a part of their nature, carefree and at peace. I want to feel death passionately locking onto my lips as it swallows me whole, I wanted to die.

Why is it impossible for anyone to breach in understanding? That dying was the simplest solution for my method of reasons: that a young soul cannot bear any more pain.

I want my life to be so dramatically taken away from me; my eyes would roll to the back of my sockets from the impact of pain and my mouth foaming with the last moments of life, exuding every little humanity out. I wanted it so much; I could taste it on the tip of my tongue.

            I wanted to die.
            Is it so wrong…?

22nd August,

I listened to a song for at least four or five hours, it was the last real inflicting pain to my being song. I felt so numb, every word in the lyrics of that song was on point with my present.

My life has been very bleak and grey, there was no more joy in my voice and definitely not a tinge of genuine smiling presented upon my face. I feel that this pain is eating me away, I will post something tomorrow.

I wrote it a month back when I was horribly upset, I think I shall go back to writing tomorrow.

Next month,

I’m scared to face it and then the month of October. I want to run away so far away that nobody could find me and I would discreetly just fall into a forevermore slumber. I feel so wrecked and alone.

I am falling apart, why can’t you feel it? Why can’t anybody?

Almost a year,

I have not been living and I definitely am not putting myself in death’s way. I live with no purpose and would die with no accomplishments. You really think I can save myself?

It’s getting to me now,

I push myself away from everyone, I set up a standard so high because you raised my bar to that exceeding point and I know what’s causing me to become this little bitter bitch but i can’t help myself.

How do you move on from the best and even though people don’t know that you were great from the sour things I’ve rambled about you during our bad times, you were inspirational. You were the most heartwarming, most loving, most giving person I’ve ever known.

You were my best friend, you understood me better than myself, you knew that I had problems with body image but you loved every curve, every bone and every muscle in me. You knew I lacked of self-confidence but you always told me u I was the most beautiful, most alluring person you’ve ever knew. You told me my voice made you calm and more sensible and when you hear or watch me break down, it completely shatters you. I’ve seen it.

I’ve watched you grew teary infront of me, I saw your beautiful grey eyes turned bloodshot as you bit your lip, holding back that ache to watch me cry. I was at a down point in my life, school was melting me down, I was placed in an environment where I don’t feel relaxed and I was so desperate for you physically; to wrap your arms around me and hold me in your embrace for hours till end.

I remember everything so vividly and I have to move on because that part has already passed.

I miss you in my life, that’s all.

Why should I feel upset?

You are 25, you have no life, you have no relationship experiences, you have no backbone, you have little to zero dignity, you have no common sense, you are filth in my eyes.

But why do I still feel so fucking backstabbed? Oright, I was.

I broke down yesterday,

It wasn’t one of those loud, insane cries where I had them suicide eyes and mindset driven to physically harm myself. It was quite the opposite, a soft cry that embodied so much past. I was reading my old blog that had posts of you, it dawned on me how much I was still living in the year of 2k10. I had not even tried to even depart that point of time because it was too heart aching to leave behind a time where I felt happy and carefree.

I didn’t seek much confiding in any friends, just one. I felt alone and had the need to just feel the presence of one person at that minute of hour. Yet, nothing calmed me down. Everything started shaking me up and I was already in a whirlpool of tissues on my bed.

My mom knocked softly on my door and asked if I was okay, I tried to struggle out a composed reply; “I’m fine.” but like all mothers, they know when something’s wrong. She came in and I just started bawling softly. My eyes were brimmed with heartfelt tears and they wouldn’t stop. I gave up fighting and just cried while listening to my mom’s wise words. Her words, even though comforted with so much love, still pierced my heart however it woke me up.

I was so fucking stupid. She opened up my eyes to a whole new perspective that I constantly denied and I sat through and understood why she said it.

I feel better, almost assured that maybe things would get better.

Another topic I’d like to jot down would be… Friends.

Ever since I got attached to my previous r/s, I have physically detained myself from the real word and that I have little friends left. I am okay with it because I’ll always have this girl in my life who was always there for me. Forming friendships virtually, I thought it’d be based on honesty and mind numbing truth about ourselves.

Oh how wrong I was. What really beckoned me to realize that you’re always going to be a dipshit, definitely not the first or second time but I had enough, you and your face had enough of my chances. I’m done.

I thought only the physically beautiful people would have an ugly heart, how wrong I was. I always had a mindset that friends chooses you but I’ve come to terms that I have the option to choose, too.

Dirty hearts can piss off, I’m going to be a great person one day.